When kids show challenging behaviors, it can feel frustrating and confusing for the adults trying to support them. Often, we attribute reasons or causes to those behaviors, based on outdated thinking, or assumption. But these behaviors aren’t random or “attention-seeking” in the way we often assume. They’re signals; they communicate about needs that our kids don’t yet have the skills or language to express clearly. 

And while it’s true that children go through phases where certain behaviors flare up and then settle back down, it doesn’t mean we’re stuck just managing them or hoping they pass. There’s almost always meaningful information beneath the behavior if we know how to look for it.

When we understand the cause of a behavior - what skill is missing, what stressor is present, or what need is going unmet - we’re able to create solutions that truly help rather than just react in the moment. This shift allows us to support kids in building regulation, communication, and problem-solving skills, ultimately reducing the frequency and intensity of challenging behaviors. 

Instead of feeling powerless or stuck in repeating cycles, we can intervene with intention, strengthen connection, and put supports in place that actually prevent those difficult moments from coming back.

Today, we’re diving into two specific behaviors we commonly see in kids of all ages. While one tends to show up more often at home and the other is more typical in school settings, both offer valuable insight into what’s driving the behavior in the first place. By understanding the root causes, we can introduce supportive strategies that build skills, reduce challenging moments, and help kids feel more regulated and successful in any environment.

For Parents: Whining

Whining can feel like nails on a chalkboard, but it’s almost always rooted in something deeper than the subject of the whining. Kids often lean on whining when they don’t yet have the skills, language, or confidence to express what they truly need. In fact, there are several common reasons why whining shows up, and understanding them helps us respond with strategies that actually work rather than getting stuck in endless back-and-forth power struggles. Here are a few of the most frequent drivers behind whining:

• Children have a deep need to feel heard
• Learned behavior - maybe in the past, whining has generated more reaction or attention to their needs than their typical speaking voice did
• Lower emotional vocabulary makes it challenging to communicate feelings clearly
• Kids want control

Try some of these supports to prevent whining with pre-emptive strategies:

• Pre-empt whining by giving opportunities for connection and communication. Children will likely whine less if they approach a problem or need with an existing feeling that they are heard, understood, and valued.
• Respond prior to escalation of behavior. Upon first request, get on the child’s level, give eye contact and full attention. Often, whining begins when a child has asked for something and feels they haven’t been fully acknowledged.
• Scaffold emotional vocabulary: give them words for what they're feeling, and practice!
• Give them task choices and solicit input, because autonomy always helps kids feel empowered

For Teachers: Eloping from Seat/Class

When a student repeatedly leaves their seat or steps out of the classroom, it can feel disruptive and confusing. Elopement is often a sign that a student is struggling with regulation, demands, or the environment, in ways they can’t yet articulate. Understanding why a student is leaving helps us respond with support rather than frustration, and allows us to put proactive strategies in place that keep everyone safe and engaged. Here are some of the most common reasons students elope:

• Increased need for movement: some students require more movement than they get during a school typical day
• Task is too challenging (either real or perceived)
• Lagging impulse control
• Communication challenges

Try some of these supports to help students manage the feelings that lead to eloping:

• Incorporate movement into instruction, and add movement brain breaks where possible
• Assessing students’ academic levels and ensure tasks are at level; consider modifications and additional supports when you know a task may be too challenging for a student’s current level
• Chunk material into manageable bits; frequent check ins create space for feedback and adding on in bite-size pieces
• Support student impulse control with brain breaks and SEL
• Work on solid classroom systems: provide students with routines and habits that prioritize both verbal and nonverbal communication, especially around requesting breaks

Whether it’s a child whining at home or a student leaving the classroom at school, challenging behaviors become far more manageable when we understand what’s driving them. When adults can look beneath the surface, identify the need or skill gap, and put proactive supports in place, we move from reacting out of frustration to responding with intention. 

The goal isn’t to eliminate all challenging behavior (kids will always have big feelings and developing skills) but to give them the tools, structure, and connection they need to handle those moments more successfully. With clearer insight and consistent strategies, we can reduce challenges, strengthen relationships, and help kids thrive in every environment.