Recently, my two-year-old has been getting increasingly upset over small things. Because he’s speech-delayed, he doesn’t always have the words to explain what’s frustrating him. Lately, I’ve started putting his emotions into words for him. I’ll say things like, “You’re frustrated because you wanted to go with your brother to soccer practice?”

What I’ve noticed is that simply naming the feeling often helps him calm down. Once he feels understood, I don’t always need to offer a fix or distraction. Just hearing his emotions reflected back seems to lower the intensity of the moment.

It reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a friend. I was exhausted after a sleepless night with my infant, and instead of jumping in with advice—no “you should sleep train” or “you need to take a nap” or “did you try Motrin?” —she simply acknowledged how hard it is to be that tired. Her words didn’t make me less exhausted, but I felt seen, validated, and less alone in the struggle.

What I do for my toddler, and what my friend did for me, are really the same thing: validation before solutions.

And sometimes, that validation doesn’t even come from words. According to communication researcher Albert Mehrabian, 55% of communication is non-verbal. That means that more than half of what we express comes through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. Our kids often understand how we feel long before they understand what we say. When we speak in a calm tone, soften our facial expression, or kneel down to their level, we’re communicating, “You’re safe. I see you. I’m here with you, and we can handle this” without ever saying a word.

That’s why in moments of big feelings, what helps isn’t always the perfect phrase—it’s our presence. It’s the deep breath we take instead of the lecture, the open posture instead of crossed arms, the quiet nod instead of quick advice. These cues tell our children that emotions, even hard ones, are safe to have.

When you’re in one of those tense moments, here are a few things that can help you help your child:

• Name the feeling: Try, “You’re sad we had to leave the playground,” or “You’re mad because you wanted the blue cup.” Even if you don’t get it exactly right, your child will feel your effort to understand.
  
  
• Pause before fixing: Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is just sit with the feeling for a beat. You don’t always have to make it go away immediately! Let them sit in the, “That’s really hard” feeling, before jumping to problem-solving.
  
  
• Model calm: Kids borrow our emotional state. Meet their energy at first, then slowly bring yours down—your calm helps guide theirs. I often find a big sigh, followed by “so frustrating!” pulls them in and gets them on track to co-regulate.
  
  
• Use your body to speak safety: Open your arms, relax your shoulders, soften your eyes, even make a face to match their feelings. Sometimes our body language does more to comfort than any words could.

Once a child feels seen and understood—both verbally and nonverbally—they often release some of the tension they’re holding. That’s when real connection happens. And from that place of safety, they’re far more open to learning coping skills, problem-solving, and self-regulation.

Sometimes we think our job as parents is to have all the answers. But often, what our kids need most is simply to feel heard. By pairing gentle language with calm, reassuring presence, we teach them that all feelings are okay—and that being understood is often the first step toward feeling better.