Thoughts on Misbehavior

Two Sunday mornings in a row, my husband and I took our kids for a walk. The first Sunday, our three-year-old cried on and off for most of the walk. He refused to get in the stroller, but also refused to walk. Nothing felt right, and the walk felt challenging. The second Sunday, that same three-year-old happily climbed into the stroller, giggled throughout the walk, and didn’t complain once, until it was time to go home.

Most things about these two walks were the same. We went to the same location, at roughly the same time of day, after a good meal. Yet, something was different for our son, and that difference made one walk feel entirely different from the other.

As humans, we naturally try to make sense of behavior. When someone acts in a way that deviates from our expectations, we create explanations for why it happened. Psychologists call these explanations causal attributions. For example, after the difficult walk, I could have assumed my son was coming down with a cold, didn't sleep well the night before, or was overwhelmed by something I couldn't see. Those explanations focus on circumstances and temporary factors.

The challenge is that when our children's behavior frustrates us, especially as they get older, we often make different kinds of attributions. Instead of looking for situational explanations, we begin assigning character-based ones. We hear adults describe children as disrespectful, defiant, manipulative, lazy, dramatic, or ungrateful. The problem with these labels is that they move the explanation from external to internal, from temporary to permanent, from a momentary challenge the child is experiencing to a flaw the child possesses.

When we make those kinds of attributions, we unintentionally limit our ability to help. If a child is "being defiant," we are likely to respond with control. If a child is "being disrespectful," we may respond with punishment. Whereas if a child is struggling, overwhelmed, disappointed, tired, anxious, disconnected, or lacking a skill, we are more likely to respond with curiosity, support, and guidance.

The truth is that I'm not entirely sure why my son's mood changed from one week to the next. Maybe he was tired. Maybe he was overwhelmed. Maybe he simply had a harder day. What I do know is that his behavior on the first walk wasn't evidence of any fixed character trait. If I had concluded that he was controlling, inflexible, or intentionally difficult, those traits wouldn't have disappeared a week later. More importantly, those conclusions wouldn't have helped me understand how to better support him.

The stories we tell ourselves about our children's behavior matter: the narrative we create becomes the lens through which we respond. If we assume the worst about our kids, we tend to react in ways that reinforce disconnection. If we assume there is a reason behind the behavior, even when we don't fully understand it, we leave space for empathy, problem-solving, and growth.

The next time your child's behavior leaves you frustrated, pause before deciding what it means. Ask yourself: What attribution am I making right now? Is it helping me understand my child, or is it causing me to judge them? And what explanation would position me to best support them?

We won’t find the answer by labeling our child. We’ll find it by getting curious about what the behavior might be trying to tell us.