Parenting is one of the most challenging (and rewarding!) roles we take on, and it comes with a lot of advice. From family, friends, social media, and even strangers on the street, everyone seems to have an opinion on the “right” way to parent kids. But in the midst of all this well-meaning guidance, some persistent myths have taken root—ideas that sound right, but don’t always prove helpful in real-life, day-to-day moments.

We’re breaking down some of the most common parenting misconceptions, and pairing them with our knowledge of what’s really happening in our kids’ brains. Whether you're a new parent or a seasoned one, these insights might surprise you—and hopefully offer a little perspective and relief, too.

Lots of us think that responding immediately to our kids’ unwanted behavior is the most effective, quickest way to stop it. Catching it and correcting it right away is the best chance to deter that behavior for the future.

But really, our kids are the least likely to develop skills in moments of dysregulation (i.e. when they’re behaving in undesirable ways). Instead of focusing on immediately correcting unwanted behavior, we can prioritize regulation. Once our kids are regulated, they enter a place where they can actually figure out how to correct their own behavior. And, if they aren’t to that point yet, we can help in those calm moments to teach skills to meet behavior expectations.

Lots of us think positive language and physical affection spoil our kids, and that if they receive that level of positive attention from their parents, they’ll come to expect and need it from everyone.

But really, positive language and physical affection are necessary parts of human connection that  actually enable parents to more effectively support behavioral growth for their kids. Growth and learning happen when kids feel connected and safe in their environment; positive language and physical affection facilitate connection between parents and their children.

Lots of us think that if we don’t punish our kids for their bad behavior, then we send the message that we are okay with it.

But really, punishments are proven to be ineffective for correcting undesirable behavior. They can create feelings of isolation for our kids, and actually get in the way of their ability to learn the lacking skill that would help them change those undesired behaviors. 

Lots of us think that suspensions from school are the most effective way to deter bad behavior. 

But really, research shows that strict discipline policies in schools don’t work to deter bad behavior. Kids’ brains cannot access the reasoning required for punishments like suspension to deter undesirable behavior. Relying on punishment to improve behavior assumes (incorrectly) that kids have the skills required to meet behavioral expectations. Read more about the research from the Brookings Institute.

Parenting is so tough because there are so many variables. Every family, and every child, has their own unique challenges, needs, and strategies that work to build regulation skills. Finding the best methods that work for your family means research, trusting your gut, and often questioning the commonly accepted methods that may not serve us; chances are, some of those could be those misconceptions anyways. And, by questioning those common myths, we give ourselves the freedom to parent with more confidence, flexibility, and grace. At the end of the day, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Trust yourself, stay curious, and remember: doing your best is enough.