Alexandra Murtaugh, InMind’s CAO & Co-Founder, is a mother of 4, former teacher, adjunct professor, and certified behavior specialist in Pennsylvania. Her passion for working with children and people of all ages, paired with her background in research, has pushed her to work in spaces where she utilizes the science of learning and development to empower people to more effectively support the children in their lives.

Today, we’re excited to offer Alexandra’s answers to some of the most common questions we get about challenging behavior in children, both at home and in school! Dig into Alexandra’s perspective, based on her training and experience. We hope her answers offer you a refreshing and helpful perspective that will enable you to best support the kids in your life.

Q: What are the most common skill deficits that lead to challenging behavior in children?

A: That depends on the context. I think when children have gaps in executive functioning skills, we see that noticed more quickly in school contexts. Whereas gaps in emotional regulation are more apparent in the home setting. 

Q: What are some early signs that a child might need help developing skills to aid in regulation?
A: I think all children need help developing emotional regulation – just like any other skill, it's hard to develop emotional regulation without both explicit instruction and modeling. Most toddlers need this support beginning around age 1.5/2, but older kids and adolescents need changing regulation support as their emotional needs get more complex as they age. No one is born having emotional regulation skills, but the threshold of what makes someone upset varies by individual, age, and circumstance. I would also add that we often assume children with externalizing behaviors need more support in self-regulation because their responses to emotion are visible and can be disruptive, but children with internalizing behaviors need just as much support. So, rather than looking for signs that a child may need support, I feel it’s better to provide the support. no matter what.

Q: Can you share examples of how teaching specific skills helped reduce a child’s challenging behavior?

A: My 5 year old has always been relatively calm, but has recently started to get upset with his siblings. He would cry and yell. During these angry moments, I'd bring him to his book nook (a calm space in his room) and offer to read to him or sit with him. After a few trials, we discovered together that he preferred to be alone in those heightened moments. Now, when he's upset, he goes up to his book nook by himself and calms down until he's ready to come back down.

Q: What mistakes do adults sometimes make when trying to prevent challenging behavior — and how can they do better?

A: One of the most common mistakes we see adults make, and one I'm certainly guilty of myself, is assuming that all behavior is under conscious control – that if a kid is misbehaving then they're choosing to do that. There's so much language adults use around kids making good choices, which is appropriate at times. But one step we often miss (and it’s an important one) is teaching children how to pause for long enough before acting, so that they are able to make a conscious choice, instead of acting impulsively when dysregulated.

Q: How can adults respond when a child exhibits challenging behavior but hasn’t yet mastered the replacement skill?

A: Prior to mastering a replacement skill, kids need adults to scaffold the skill for them. Before our kids are able to excel at executive functioning, we need to be their organizing systems and gradually release responsibility as they are able to develop it. However, often we release kids before they are ready. Knowing what's developmentally appropriate can help us figure out the balance of doing things for kids and having them do things independently.

Q: What’s one thing you wish more people understood about preventing challenging behavior in children?

A: I wish more adults knew that if a child is misbehaving, they typically aren't enjoying it. In almost all situations, the child wants to be doing better, but can't. They want the praise, positive feedback, and natural consequences of doing well, but haven't built the skills needed to do that yet. I think that when we make that shift in our perspective, supporting kids becomes more intuitive.