On the Power of Validation

Recently, my two-year-old has started getting increasingly upset over things. He is also speech-delayed, so sometimes when he’s upset, he doesn’t have language complex enough to explain what’s causing him frustration. I’ve started putting my own words to what I think he might be feeling.

I say something like, “You’re frustrated because you wanted to go with your brother to soccer practice?” I’ve noticed that putting his feelings into words for him helps him enough that I don’t need to do anything else. Sometimes, hearing me acknowledge what he is experiencing is enough to help him come back down from a tantrum or meltdown.

As I thought about it, I was reminded of a time a few weeks ago; I was talking to a friend about how tired I was because my infant wasn’t sleeping. He’d been up repeatedly the night before, and I was complaining. She could have given me advice: suggested sleep training, told me to give him Motrin, or encouraged me to take a nap. Instead, she simply acknowledged how difficult it is to be sleep deprived. She talked about how exhausting those nights can be and recognized that I was having a hard time.

Her response didn’t make me any less tired, and I still had a baby who had been waking up throughout the night. But I did feel validated and less alone. I wasn’t looking for her to fix the problem. I just needed someone to understand what my experience felt like.

Sometimes we genuinely want advice, strategies, or suggestions. When a child is struggling with a recurring problem, we may need to help them figure out what they can do differently. Problem-solving is an important part of supporting our kids. But sometimes, we try to move to solutions before we have taken the time to acknowledge the experience itself.

Validation can be especially important for children who are still developing the language and skills to understand and communicate their experiences. Emotional expression develops before the language to explain or understand it.

It’s important to note that validation doesn’t mean agreement. We can acknowledge feelings while still holding a boundary. A child can be disappointed that it is time to leave the playground, and we can still leave the playground. Validation allows us to communicate that the feeling itself isn’t a problem.

This is also where regulation and relationships meet. A child who is mid-meltdown won’t be ready to reason, and they’re definitely not going to be ready to brainstorm solutions or consider what they could do differently next time. Before they can move toward problem-solving, they’ll need to feel safe and connected. 

What I started doing with my two-year-old is not all that different from what my friend did for me. Neither of us needed someone to make the difficult experience go away. We needed someone to acknowledge it. 

That validation is what allows us to move forward; it creates a sense of safety. And that safety can be the foundation for regulation, connection, and eventually, movement forward.

Sometimes they don’t need us to fix the problem, they just need to know they don’t have to experience it alone.