I read books and listen to podcasts about parenting, and could speak for hours about my philosophies and beliefs about child development and raising kids. These philosophies and beliefs I’ve developed are mostly in contrast to the ways that I was raised and even the discipline I received in school. 

For the majority of interactions with my own children, my actions are aligned with what I believe to be best for them. However, in moments when I am overwhelmed, stressed, and/or overstimulated, there is an almost automatic part of me that wants to parent the way I was parented. The punitive responses are quick to come to mind and I start to feel myself become more inclined to raise my voice or dole out consequences. It’s like my body switches into an autopilot mode I didn’t program, and there’s some cognitive dissonance, because it’s not what I believe, but in that moment it feels like my only option.

This is what it is to be a cycle-breaker. It’s fighting what feels automatic because it’s what was modeled for us, for years of our lives. It’s pausing in the moment to allow ourselves the space to be intentional and aligned in our actions. And for many of us, we are breaking generational cycles of punitive discipline, authoritarian parenting, and fear-based interactions. For some of us, it’s breaking cycles of abuse. For some of us, it’s deciding that we don’t want to put the same pressure on our kids that was put on. For some of us, it’s about consistency in our interactions with our kids. This isn’t an indictment of our caregivers; it’s about making a choice for ourselves that we own, because we think it provides the most opportunity for the next generation.

Whatever cycle you're breaking – whether it's one that was modeled at home or in school – choosing to parent intentionally and gently is challenging. It's especially hard in moments where we are not at our most calm, or when being gentle and empathetic doesn't give us immediate results. It's in these moments that we are actually clearing a new path forward and showing our children that it can be done. The model that we provide when it's hard for us is the one our kids will have when things get hard for them.

Tips for Success in Breaking Cycles

While it can be challenging to break cycles, there are some things that you can remember so that you can continue to move forward in a way that's aligned to your values. Here are some tips that can guide you in your journey towards parenting in a consistently gentle and respectful way:

1. Have a pause button. Know when you need to step away from a situation with your kids so that you can make aligned choices. Pausing will pull you out of what was modeled for you as a kid, and place you back in your own (and often new, or developing) philosophies.
2. Communicate your values. In a developmentally appropriate way, explicitly communicate your values to your kids so that they understand the why behind what you're saying. It's a good reminder for yourself, too, and will enable you to act in a way that's aligned to your values.
3. Apologize when you make a mistake. Our children need to know that we make mistakes, because it models for them what to do when they make mistakes. When we fall short of our own expectations, we show our kids that the expectation is not perfection. 
4. Give yourself grace. Being a cycle breaker is a constant pull between what you had as a child and what you want to give as a parent. That contrast is hard, and the work fights against what has been programmed in your brain and body for years. Forgive yourself and keep trying – it's hard work, but worth it.

Research Tidbit

At the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology conference, researchers from the University of Leuven in Belgium shared findings from their research that indicated a relationship between harsh parenting (physical punishment, excessive strictness, lack of autonomy, and/or manipulative behavior) and variation in methylation. Methylation is when a molecule called a methyl group gets added to a DNA sequence, which changes the way the genes are read. Variation in methylation is associated with depression. This was a small study that needs to be both repeated and expanded to understand the relationship between the factors here, but it is an early indicator that harsh punishment may have biological impact on children and increase their propensity for later depression.