Perfectionism in kids can be born from a number of factors: a blend of personality traits, environmental influences, and unspoken cultural messages. Some kids are dialed into every detail, crave the structure of rules, and are driven by a strong inner sense of right and wrong. Others absorb subtle cues from parents, teachers, or peers—like the praise they receive for being "smart" or "talented," or the emphasis placed on achievement over effort or process. In our image-conscious, comparison-driven, success-obsessed world, kids can misinterpret well-meaning encouragement as a demand to never fail. 

And as parents, we constantly model behavior to our kids: raise your hand if you’ve been described as a perfectionist before. It’s possible, probable even, that the parents out there with their hands in the air (the ones who exhibit perfectionism themselves), are unintentionally passing those traits to their kids by modeling perfectionism. While a perfectionist child may exhibit admirable traits that parents & teachers appreciate, like discipline, responsibility, and a strong work ethic, the same tendencies can morph into anxiety, fear of failure, and avoidance of anything that doesn’t come easily.

Parenting a perfectionist can be challenging. On the one hand, your child may be self-motivated, thoughtful, and achievement-oriented; and we often want to lean into valuing those traits, when that could be further escalating the perfectionism. But on the other hand, they might crumble under pressure, shut down when facing mistakes, or be painfully hard on themselves. Over time, unchecked perfectionism can lead to chronic stress, low self-esteem, and even depression. 

We don’t mean to scare you, but we do want to accurately represent that it is very important to gently guide perfectionist children away from the rigid expectations they hold for themselves and toward a mindset that values effort, curiosity, and growth.

You may be saying “uh oh - that’ s me and my kid. What do I do?” We have 10 strategies to help support your perfectionist child, right now. We cannot overstate how much we believe that starting small will make a meaningful impact. Start here:

1. Praise process, not outcome: Instead of saying “You’re so smart,” try “You worked really hard on that,” or “I saw how much time you spent figuring this out.” This shifts the focus from ability to effort and persistence.
   
2. Normalize mistakes—and model your own: Let your child see you make mistakes and handle them with humor, humility, or learning. Say things like, “Oops, I messed that up—but now I know better for next time.” I even like to pretend to struggle with things like opening a waterbottle, reaching a shelf, or putting toys away. If we show our kids that we struggle, even with ‘easy’ things, we can normalize hard work and mistakes.
   
3. Use the word “yet” A LOT: Encourage a growth mindset by adding “yet” to discouraging thoughts: “You haven’t figured this out yet, but you’re getting closer.” It helps reframe failure as part of the learning process.
   
4. Avoid over-correcting or rescuing - let your kids struggle: When your child makes a small error, resist the urge to fix it immediately. Instead, ask curious questions that guide them to reflect and self-correct. You may even have to sit on your hands - but take a long pause before jumping in.
   
5. Create safe spaces to fail: Let them try new things without pressure. Celebrate the courage to try, not just the result. Try doing art just for fun, or trying a new sport without performance goals.
   
6. Talk openly about perfectionism: Help your child label what they’re feeling. “Sounds like you’re afraid of making a mistake. That’s okay—lots of people feel that way.” Giving it a name can reduce its power.
   
7. Separate self-worth from success: Make it clear that your love and approval are unconditional—not tied to grades, awards, or achievements. Reinforce this consistently through your words and reactions. I love to say things like, “even when you love soccer and work really hard, sometimes your team will lose, and that’s okay!”
   
8. Encourage self-compassion: Teach your child to speak to themselves with kindness. If they’re beating themselves up over something small, ask, “What would you say to someone else in your shoes?” Model that by talking about yourself and your mistakes with compassion and kindness.
   
9. Limit comparisons: Help your child focus on their own progress rather than measuring themselves against others. Celebrate personal milestones, no matter how small.
   
10. Check your own signals: Reflect on how you talk about success, failure, and expectations in your home, for yourself and for others. Children often pick up on your stress or high standards, even when you don’t realize it. Try some of the above strategies on yourself too – there’s no better time than now to break your own perfectionism!
    

By embracing imperfection, celebrating effort, and helping kids see mistakes as part of the learning process, you can raise resilient, self-aware children who pursue excellence without being crushed by the weight of unrealistic expectations or the fear of failure. Parenting a perfectionist isn't about lowering the bar—it's about shifting the spotlight from perfection to growth.