Yesterday morning, my 5 year old had an absolutely epic meltdown – the kind where nothing you try works to get your kid calm. Frankly, she woke up grouchy, and it went downhill from there; plus, layer in that we had to get moving and ready for camp…on a Monday…and she did not want to go. Tensions were high.  

I had made her the exact breakfast she wanted, but I made the egregious error of putting it on the wrong plate. I used the purple plate, but should have known she wanted the yellow one. With an awareness of her general dysregulation, I worked to maintain our calm – but it was already too late. Meltdown went from zero to sixty.

After about 10 minutes of working to reason with and comfort her, I realized I needed to try a different approach. She was hungry, overstimulated, and continuing to escalate. I needed to get a few bites of food in her belly, but to get there, we had to get calm first. 

Here are the steps I took to co-regulate with my daughter to bring her from screaming, thrashing, and hitting, down to calm, regulated, and eating breakfast. 

1. I turned the music off. Part of our family’s morning routine involves listening to music. My two kids take turns choosing songs to listen to, and as they eat breakfast they sing and dance – it’s a fun and exciting start to the day. But this day, the music was an added layer of loud noise, and I was getting overstimulated, so I’m sure it was making my already-upset daughter feel the same way. Even activities our kids typically love can become overstimulating in moments of dysregulation. Reducing sensory input for dysregulated kids will help inch them toward regulation.
2. I sat on the floor next to her, with a basket of fidget toys. I had asked my daughter to take a break in her calm spot, where her fidgets were accessible. She wouldn’t. I’d tried to get her to come with me to that place – but this morning, it just wasn’t happening. She escalated so quickly that we missed our chance to access her preventative calming strategies (that happens sometimes.) So, I brought the calming tools to her. Getting on her level, in a non-threatening way is a silent invite to your child to work with you.
3. I started playing. I talked to myself, narrating my own thoughts and strategies for calming myself. I knew that directly engaging my daughter – asking her to choose a fidget, take a deep breath, or think with reason – would backfire, leading to more screaming. She was in no place to engage with anyone, in any way, at all. So, instead I modeled. I got close to her, and I did what I wanted her to do. I took a loud deep breath, and said “woah, my brain feels really overwhelmed and crazy. I’m going to take three deep breaths while I play with this squishy ball.” She screamed through me saying that. But, I stuck with it; I narrated what I was doing – and I really played it up. I said “ehh I still don’t feel calm, and my heart is still racing and my skin feels hot. I’m switching to this coloring page while I take a few more breaths.” As I continued to color and take giant exaggerated breaths, she gradually quieted, watching me calm myself. She didn’t say a thing, but before long, she was sitting right next to me, coloring the page alongside me, silently.
4. Give it time before you talk about it! I knew that jumping right into a conversation about what had happened would backfire; even though my daughter was calmer, I knew she would not be ready to talk through what had happened. So, I gave her time. I colored with her for a minute, praising her for working hard and sticking with her coloring even after her crayon broke. I pulled her breakfast plate close to her. Before long, she was eating the toast (which, if you ask me, was the #1 solution to the problem; my girl was hangry!), and she was regulated. After about 5-10 calm minutes, and some breakfast in her belly, we talked through what happened and how we can better calm our bodies when we’re upset. She told me how she was feeling, and I listened and validated. I apologized to her for how I got frustrated, and she apologized (without prompting) for hitting me.  It’s in these moments, when I see what my kids are capable of doing when they’re calm and regulated, that I remember how integral co-regulation is for our little ones. 
5. Offer a choice to move forward. Time-wise, we had to get moving. She needed to get dressed, do her hair, and brush her teeth. So, I asked her “which should we do first: brush teeth or get dressed?” She chose to get dressed, and we did it together. Continuing with lots of praise and support, we were able to get ready and out the door for the day, avoiding another meltdown.

We won’t ever be able to avoid meltdowns, tantrums, and dysregulation – it’s just not possible, given the way our little ones’ brains learn, develop, and grow. What we can do is prepare for the tough moments with go-to strategies that not only work to get our kids regulated, but also work to teach our kids self-regulation skills. They won’t learn it in one shot, but little by little, the severity and duration of those tantrums will come down, thanks to the power of co-regulation.