Parenting in Motion: Supporting emotional growth and development- on and off the field (Mar. 25')

Parents Position

By: Lindsey Bernhardt

Both of my kids were athletes in elementary, middle and high school. One even went on to play at the collegiate level while the other has developed life long skills that she can continue to use in her future. Although the sports changed throughout the years, sports were an ongoing part of our family’s day to day life. We were at every game possible with fold out chairs, wearing school swag, and cheering our kids on. Like many other parents, we were so proud every time they hit the court, the field or the water. Blow horns and all, yes we were those people. The parents who felt that sports taught our kids how to be team players, be okay with losing, learn from different coaches, and above all, have fun. All in all, we are and continue to be huge advocates of sports. However, our time on the side lines also exposed what I would call the ‘dark side of sports’ - the side where parents take it a little too seriously, and ultimately make their own kids hate the sport that they are playing. I have seen it time and time again, and the one suffering the most are the kids.

Let me be clear, it is wonderful to have a parent engaged, supportive and an advocate of their kid, no matter what they do. But I would argue that parents can take sports to such another level, that it is no longer about the sport, but about winning. The parent believes that it has to be their kid on the field the whole game, their kid who gets to score the goal, their kid that college recruiters are there to see freshman year - yes freshman year. It is their kid that has to be the star and the only star. In my opinion, this approach is the antithesis of what sports is all about. I am aware that this might not be a shared point of view by many, but I hope that the parents that do read this, will re-consider their position when it comes to their kids playing sports. 

The other important role to think about as a parent of an athlete is using sports as a punishment. Putting concussions aside, from a brain-based perspective, sports have many benefits to our children’s brains and bodies. Research shows that playing sports improves brain functioning, increases blood flow, releases endorphins and promotes positive mental health. Sports have also shown to increase memory, processing speed and self-esteem while also decreasing stress, and the potential for feeling anxious or depressed. The benefits of being an athlete and participating in sports are truly powerful. As parents, our position should be to maintain those benefits without hindering them in any way. Using sports as a punishment is removing something that helps our children grow physically and mentally. It encourages team work, regulation, following rules, accepting losses, and more. If you are going to take something away from your child, let this be low on your list. Just because your child enjoys playing their sport doesn’t mean it is the right thing to remove. Consider phones or games to remove or instead adding something that helps you or your family out like another chore or non-preferred activity. 

A New Approach to "Time-Out" as a Punishment

By: Rachael Sine

For decades, “time-out” has been the go-to strategy for managing misbehavior in children. My parents certainly used it and I even find myself instinctually dishing out time-outs when my 5 year old isn't listening. The concept is simple and may even seem logical: the child acts out, and they’re sent away to calm down or “think about what they did.” But here’s the truth - most young children aren’t using that time to reflect on their choices as we hope they would be. Instead, they’re feeling confused, overwhelmed, and alone. With the advances in brain science and how it relates to parenting, it’s time to re-think the ‘time-out as punishment’ strategy.

What does brain science tell us?

When children are experiencing big emotions - anger, frustration, sadness - what they need most is connection, not isolation.

Time-outs, used as punishment, remove the child from their greatest source of support: you. And brain science tells us that children learn best when they feel safe, regulated, and connected to a calm adult.

So, what’s the alternative?

• Time-Ins - Instead of sending your child away, invite them to sit with you in a calm space. Breathe together. Talk once they’re calm. This models co-regulation and teaches them what to do with big feelings.
• Name the Need – All behavior is communication. Are they tired? Hungry? Feeling powerless? Helping them name and meet the need behind the behavior is more effective than punishing it.
• Teach, Don’t Punish – After the moment has passed, talk it through: “When you hit, it hurts people. Next time, you can say, ‘I’m mad!’ and stomp your feet.” You’re not just stopping the behavior - you’re building skills for the future.

Kids don’t learn right from wrong by sitting alone in a corner. They learn it in the context of a relationship with a caregiver who shows them the way, even when things get messy.