Are you a permissive Parent?
By: Lindsey Bernhardt
The other night I was having dinner out and overheard a group of parents discussing how spoiled their kids are and questioning if they were too lenient with them. They complained that they felt obligated to purchase every item their kids requested and even went so far as to fight with their child’s teacher for a higher grade. Although they laughed about it all, I could hear their frustration as they expressed their ongoing concern that their children were turning into spoiled brats. It got me thinking about the three types of parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative and Permissive. Authoritarian parents tend to be very demanding and do not allow room for collaboration with their children. It is the “do as I say with no questions asked” mentality. Authoritative on the other hand, are parents who parent with care, love, understanding while still maintaining consistent and clear boundaries. Permissive parents are parents who remove every obstacle for their child and give them what they want to avoid challenging behaviors.
Of the three, recent findings in parenting style studies, especially post COVID, have shown a large increase in permissive parenting. So, how do we know as parents when we have become a permissive parent?
The first thing we can do is self-reflect. Ask yourself what type of parent you think you really are. Growing up, I had very authoritarian parents. Because of that, I promised myself that I would take a more authoritative approach by having clear expectations but with open communication and support. Consider where on the spectrum you might fall. Do you find yourself being too lenient and that it is difficult to set boundaries with your child? Or do you have zero tolerance for poor behavior and lead by discipline not understanding? Maybe you are somewhere in between? Perhaps you are one way for one child and different for another. Whichever parenting style you adhere to, reflect on it and decide if that is the type of parent you want to be.
The second thing we can look at is the impact our parenting style can have on our children. In a study conducted in 2015 on the correlation between parenting styles and child behaviors, the styles that showed a higher display of negative behavior was that of the permissive and authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parents however, showed 93% of their children behaving positively. The study also found that the parenting style that displayed the worst behavior of the three was permissive parenting. Children from permissive parenting have also shown to have kids who are more reliant on their parents, have higher levels of aggressive behaviors, and even increased chances of future substance abuse (Leiva, 2024). Each style has different impacts on your kids, both positive and negative, and knowing them is helpful while self-reflecting.
It is never too late to change our parenting style. If you find yourself being too hard, try to lighten up in areas where your child will still be safe and where trust can be earned. Communicate more often with your child and model self-regulation, understanding and healthy boundaries. And if you mess up, be kind to yourself. No one is perfect and parenting can be really hard. As parents, we all want the best for our children. We want to provide, care for, and ensure that they are safe and happy. Lead with love, boundaries and self-reflection and spoil them with understanding, curiosity and self-regulation.
Authoritative Parenting Transforms Family Dynamics
By: Rachael Sine
Last week during a coaching session, a mother shared with me that validating her child’s feelings and offering support - rather than simply yelling or demanding obedience - was an entirely new approach for her, and certainly not one she had growing up. I praised her honesty and courage in shaping a new future for her family. I believe this is true for many of us. Perhaps as you read the article above, you reflected on your own childhood and recognized a more authoritarian dynamic, where your parents’ word was final, leaving little room for discussion. Or maybe you experienced the opposite, where boundaries were scarce, and you were given free rein, as seen in permissive parenting. For many, the idea of parenting with both warmth and structure - offering choices, validating emotions, and setting clear but compassionate boundaries, as authoritative parenting encourages - is unfamiliar. You may wonder how to do that, especially with strong willed children. What does it actually look like to be an authoritative parent in everyday life? Below, we explore three common scenarios at different stages of childhood that illustrate the principles of authoritative parenting in action.
- Liam, 6 years old, refuses to eat the dinner his mom made, crossing his arms and whining, "I don’t like this! I want mac and cheese!" His mom, exhausted from the day, doesn’t want to deal with a meltdown, so she quickly makes him mac and cheese just to keep the peace. Over time, Liam learns that if he complains enough, he can get what he wants, making mealtimes even more difficult.
- Authoritative Approach: Instead of making a separate meal, Mom could offer choices within limits: “This fis what’s for dinner, but you can choose to eat just the parts you like. If you’re hungry later, you can have fruit or yogurt.” This teaches Liam that mealtime expectations are firm while still allowing some flexibility.
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13 year old Sofia’s room is a mess, and her dad has asked her multiple times to clean it. Frustrated by her repeated delays, he eventually loses patience and yells, "Clean your room right now, or I’m taking your phone away for a week!" Feeling overwhelmed and resentful, Sofia rushes through the task, shoving things under the bed to avoid further conflict. While the room may look tidier, she hasn’t truly learned responsibility—only that compliance comes from fear of punishment. Over time, she may either rebel against strict rules or become dependent on external pressure to complete tasks.
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Authoritative Approach: Dad could set clear expectations and follow through: “I know you don’t feel like cleaning, but this is your responsibility. You can do it now, or I’ll set a timer for 20 minutes, and it needs to be done by then.” This approach maintains structure while allowing Sofia some control over how she gets it done.
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Jayden is 16 years old and his curfew is 10:00 PM. On Friday night at 9:50, he texts his mom: "Can I stay out later? Everyone else is staying." Feeling torn, she initially says no, but after a few more texts and the fear of upsetting him, she reluctantly gives in and extends it to 11:30. The following weekend, Jayden pushes further—this time, he doesn’t ask at all and strolls in past midnight. Furious, his mom explodes, yelling about his irresponsibility and grounding him for a month. Jayden, in turn, argues that she always changes the rules anyway, so why should he take her seriously? The cycle continues—sometimes she’s overly lenient, other times she reacts with extreme consequences, leaving Jayden confused about boundaries and more focused on defying rules than respecting them.
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Authoritative Approach: Mom could stick to the boundary while allowing some flexibility within structure: "I get that you want to stay longer, but our rule is 10 PM. If you want a later curfew in the future, we can talk about earning that privilege by showing responsibility." This keeps expectations clear while teaching Jayden accountability.
These examples show how being permissive or authoritarian can feel like an easy choice in the moment, especially when parents are tired, overwhelmed or struggling to stay regulated. However, these approaches often reinforce undesirable behaviors in our children, leaving us caught in a cycle of frustration. An authoritative approach helps set firm but fair boundaries, teaching kids responsibility and self-regulation. If this is new for you and your family, you’re not alone. Many families are navigating this shift and finding it to be a transformative experience.
If you want more tips on how to take an authoritative approach to parenting or need individual support for your unique situation, reach out to us by emailing [email protected].
